Life is full of awkward, red-faced moments — especially if you're a teenager, living at home with your parents. It's a very tenuous time, full of new developments with your body and your own sexuality and the desire to have complete and total privacy, and all the while you have to manage those things under the watchful eyes of mom and dad.
Needless to say, pretty much everyone has a few horrendously awkward stories about sex — mostly involving their parent's house, and mom or dad catching them in the act. It's awkward, it's uncomfortable, and we'd rather forget about these experiences entirely — but then again, it's also fun to remember that everyone has these stories, so all we can do is sit back, enjoy them, and laugh at our formerly painfully awkward selves. Below, we've got some of the worst, most embarrassing the Internet has ever seen. The one about the ceiling tiles will make you seriously cringe.
#1. The time there was no hiding what you were up to.
“Girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, and we started having sex quickly when she was 16 and I was 15. My parents always left us alone and never bothered us, knowing that we were gonna do what teens were gonna do… But one day we were doin’ it and we got risky; neither of us had any clothes on and when we were going doggy-style, I was just about to cum when unannounced, my father walks into the room. Girlfriend grabs her tits, rushes for the covers, I just try to cover my dick with my arm yelling get out, while my Dad makes a noise sounding exactly like Hank Hill… Things are still weird between my gf and my Dad, but later that day we high-fived.”
#2. When nothing gets past dad — except when you're not at the table at 6pm sharp.
“When I was a senior in high school, my lazy ass boyfriend and I would come home, flop down on my comfy bed, and nap usually through supper. My father and I had to sit down and talk about it, because my stepmom was offended that she was cooking vegetarian for me and I wasn’t eating it. He told me, ‘I know sex is fun, it’s really great, I love it. As long as you’re using protection, have aaaall the sex you want. Go ahead. Do whatever. Just be downstairs for supper time.’ He refused to listen when I told him we were just napping, and kept talking about how fun sex is.”
#3. The time dad was mad his kid got down to business before he did.
“Getting home after a fantastic anniversary dinner and night with the wife. We get into the house and the wifey runs upstairs to get ready for some late night fun. Now to my knowledge one child should be asleep or is out and about, the other at a sleep over. While getting ready to head on up I hear some noises coming from the basement. I head down there and start hearing moaning from my den room. I open the door and my 16 year old son is giving it to his girlfriend on my damn recliner.”
#4. The time you chose the worst place to hide the worst things.
“My gf and I used to have fun in my basement while my parents were blissfully unaware upstairs. Being the cautious and responsible young people that we were, we always used protection. Being the ignorant and unexperienced person that I was, I hid the used protection on top of a single tile of our drop-ceiling (you know the kind made of squares that you can push upwards). Oh ya, that’s also where i hid my homemade bongs and used masturbation rags. Basically, everything i wanted to keep secret from my parents. I was 17 at the time.
Well, we were moving and apparently my parents considered the basement to be the room that needed cleaned out first. I awoke late one weekend morning to find my parents cleaning everything out. Little did I know but a thorough investigation of every ceiling tile was going to be part of this process.
So, I sat down in my basement waiting for a moment in which I could discretely move my stash. Unfortunately, that moment never came. Instead I watched my mother go tile by tile in every corner of our basement. Watching and waiting until she inevitably moved the forsaken tile I was completely paralyzed.
When she got to the one she was greeted by having a ton (probably 100 or so) of used condoms drop down on her head, covering her in every type of sexual byproduct you can imagine and forever shattering her innocent impression of her baby boy. Ignorance is bliss.
True story… True to life.”
#5. The time mom just came right out and said it.
“I’m not a parent, but a big brother. Younger brother, 4, is sitting in his mini-rocking chair in the middle of the living room watching a kid show, and the rest of the family is spread throughout the room locked in conversation. The attention is diverted when our mom tells him to ‘Stop playing with yourself. You can’t do that in front of people.’ He just stares at her for a moment, gets up, walks to his room, and shuts the door. Awkward AND awesome!”